what dread hand

Spoils of War:

1. A sore throat.
2. Five litres of matcha ice cream that I was miraculously able to fit into the freezer.
3. Ew, shochu still tastes like shit.

In other news, I still feel burned out and this blog probably won't be seeing anything interesting for weeks to come. Just so you know.

Some random things in addendum:

# I'm a horrible friend in the sense that keeping in touch with people is one of the things in the world I do least well, but I was shocked when a guy I've known since I was nine who is dating a girl I used to work with randomly told me yesterday that they're having a baby next month. HOW OUT OF TOUCH AM I, ANYWAY. I think this was the sort of thing my new year's resolution was supposed to prevent; what was it again, "contact people more often"? "be a better friend"? "be a better person"? Something along those lines.

# I want to write but I can't, not because I'm burned out as such but because I have no confidence in my abilities whatsoever at the moment and I'm convinced whatever I do will suck (even more than it usually does). It probably connects to that general feeling of uselessness I've been carrying around lately. Sigh. How to snap out of it, this is the question.

# Why was fandomsecrets full of Mohinder and Sendhil yesterday? ("Full of" = "two secrets".) Are we reacting to the ZQ secrets? Is it a sign? Will this week be filled with Mo and Sendhil? I CAN HOPE.

# How many of you visiting would join a Z/S community and participate, I don't mean necessarily that you have to post fic or anything, but how many of you would want to comment and engage in conversation with others about it? Just curious.

To kill time waiting for the real f!s to go up. And because Anna told me to.

I wish I RPd or had the silly habit of falling in love with people of my own gender through male gay porn, but I don't so I couldn't make a secret of that kind. I also couldn't make a secret about how I secretly dislike so-and-so person on my flist, because I dislike wasting time on people I dislike. I obviously fail at fandom secrets.

I finally finished editing my father's manuscript on glacial tectonics (yes, the one I mentioned having to edit weeks ago. That's how lazy I am). Turns out the last two pages of it was an academic flame war in which he accused his peers of willful ignorance. I hadn't read one of those in a while! Fun times.

Then as he was driving me home yesterday he told me about one of his peers and how he once told him to stick his Sovjet propaganda where the sun doesn't shine, and how they haven't spoken since, not even when they ran into each other downtown. This was Sovjet propaganda, mind, meaning it probably happened over 20 years ago.

I guess that explains where I get it from.

Don't read my boring post, watch Sendhil with a sledgehammer instead!

March marks the one-year anniversary for me and Heroes fandom, so I went and deleted a couple of my fics that I hated. I also wanted to delete some of the RPS ones, but there are so few of them around (unlike S/M) that I couldn't bring myself to do it. Oh woe!

I complain about fandom every other day, but honestly? It's been fun. I think this is the first time I've been somewhat active in a fandom that was this large and this alive, really! I usually just lurk or get into fandoms with, like ... 50 active people in them, max. It's been interesting, and I can't even imagine what I'd be doing with fandom these days if Ela hadn't written in her reaction post to 1x17 that she had started to find old men attractive and blamed me for it, thus making me curious about what nice old men this show must feature. Turns out I end up falling for the ones around 30, but hey, that's life.

I think Heroes fandom is also making me realize that I've sure grown old up and changed since I first met fandom. Mohinder is the sort of righteous character that might have annoyed me back when I was a teen, while I find him just so hot and adorable and strong now.¹ And the whole Sendhil thing, with the kid and the wife making him just even more appealing to me? Yeeeeah, not something I'd have imagined getting into in the past. Not to mention I like het more and more the older I become. It's interesting how tastes change. It's great!

1. I've been thinking about what I could liken this to, and I think it might be like preferring Eiji over Ash in Banana Fish or preferring Serge over Gilbert in Kaze to ki no uta or preferring Sensui over Itsuki in Yu Yu Hakusho (except those guys are both nuts). But all of those are vaguely obscure so it might not illustrate my point very well.

Also, Violent? Heroes slash thread, finally! Needs moar posts.

Two things I read about today that turned me on:

• laundry
• fisting

I can't decide if I'm more deviant for the one or the other.

このへっぴり腰がたまらんｗｗｗ

Also, I'm bored at work. *eats pocky* Spam me?

I'd play with Sendhil's hands if he reached them out to me like that, too.

Attention: in March, this blog will be full of love and rainbows and butterflies and flowers and hearts. Meaning, I won't complain about fandom this month. Yes, really. Let's see how well that will work out for me.

My money is on "that won't work out very well for me at all".

1. Reply to this post, and I will pick three of your icons.
2. Make a post (including the meme info) and talk about the icons I chose.
3. Other people can then comment to you and make their own posts.
4. This will create a never-ending cycle of icon derp.

I begged Georgia to tag me.

This is my current default icon, and one I like very much. I originally found it while looking for icons that expressed as little as possible. That's a hard task, even when looking at stock icons, because things like sceneries and fuits and stationary always carry with them a certain amount of symbolism and will inevitably remind people of one thing or the other. (An icon of a pencil or an apple is never "just" an icon of a pencil or apple, say.) I think I spent a good day on it and found maybe two or three. This one was my favorite. I mean, it's a poker-faced robot holding a book and staring at nothing. How much more random and pointless and lacking in connotations can it get? Although I guess it could be interpreted as a symbol of hubris. A robot trying to read a book and failing. But I think that symbolism is far out enough for me to ignore it.

This is one of my two favorite Mohinder icons and I've had it for months and I don't think I'll ever delete it! It's Mohinder getting a star ("It will protect you") from Molly and smiling, being genuinely happy about something for maybe the first time in the series. It's so cuuuuuuute, just remembering the scene makes me want to cry.

A frame from volume one or two of the manga Tokimeki Tonight. That's the heroine, Ranze, and she's looking at her report card and being depressed, and the hero and her rival both look over her shoulder (that's why she's cross-eyed; she's looking back at them both). It's such an "omgwtfno" face that I use it whenever I feel a "wtf" or "um, no" kind of icon is too weak to express my sentiment of "what". Amanda said it was scary, which is a plus.

And now, I go to work.

I just remembered that in a dream this morning, I was Ewan McGregor and coming onto old men.

I seem to remember the dream also featuring Ela and a person telling me my Japanese was sub-zero (whatever that's supposed to mean) and maaaaybe some of the Heroes cast, but sadly, no clear recollection.

It's a bit odd because I stopped finding Ewan attractive a couple of years ago. Hm.

I've gotten a handful of spam comments to this blog, and I keep meaning to exclude it from search engines, but then I look at my stats and the search keywords are so ... interesting that I think I might regret it if I never got to see them again. Today's winner:

• sendhil rapefic

Is this a hint? And how many of you would read it? Nothing.

I be 1000 dollars richer! \o/ Use:

• a round of sushi
• new camera
• new clothes
• in bank for summer (haha, as if there'll be anything left)

On a completely different topic, I think I'm getting tired of this blog. I've had it for nearly a year, which is usually around the time when I get tired of doing the same thing, and while I like that people are visiting and commenting once in a while, I find myself paranoid of being watched and pressured to be funny or interesting, and I don't work well under watch or pressure.

So, hiatus. I'll be back when no one is watching. :P Or I may be back when my flist is squeeing over Eclipse, who knows. See you!

contact:
hasunoutena at gmail dot com
megante at bricked dot net

Talk to me about Z/S aaaaaaanytime.

Over here.